After the shivah: National service volunteers help Israel’s bereaved families rebuild their lives

After the shivah mourning period, everyone goes home.

Friends return to work. Family members go back to their own lives. The steady stream of visitors slows, the meals stop arriving, and the house gradually grows quiet again.

But children still need to be picked up from school. Homework still has to be done. Laundry piles up. Dinner still has to be made.

For hundreds of Israeli women widowed since the Hamas terrorist attacks on Oct. 7, 2023, and the war that followed, that is when the hardest part begins.

That is also when an 18-year-old girl rings the doorbell.

Across Israel, dozens of bnot sherut—young women performing Israel’s national service—quietly step into homes forever changed by loss. They are not therapists or social workers. They do not arrive with treatment plans or counseling sessions. Instead, they become part of a family’s routine, showing up several afternoons a week to help with homework, prepare dinner, pick up children from school and provide what every grieving family needs most: consistency.

Since Oct. 7, OneFamily, Israel’s national organization supporting victims of terror and bereaved families, has significantly expanded the program to meet the growing needs of bereaved households. Today, 53 bnot sherut support 104 families across Israel, providing some 87,000 hours of assistance each year.

OneFamily CEO Moshe Saville said the demand for the program increased dramatically after Oct. 7.

He believes its real value begins after the first wave of support fades.

“During the shivah, everyone is there,” he said. “People bring food, play with the children and help however they can. Then the shivah ends, and everyone goes home.”

“They’re not therapists,” Saville said. “That’s not their job. They fill a different need. They become someone the widow can trust, someone familiar and consistent who comes several times every week.”

‘She came into our home like an angel’

For Tal Rubinstein of Kibbutz Lavi, that consistency gave her family something to build on as they slowly found a new routine.

Her husband, Sagi Rubinstein, was killed in battle in Lebanon in December 2024, leaving her to raise their three young children.

When OneFamily suggested assigning a bat sherut to her family, Rubinstein accepted, recognizing that she needed help. Returning to work full time while caring for three grieving children would have been impossible. Still, inviting a young stranger into a home consumed by loss was not an easy decision.

“I was nervous,” Rubinstein said. “Not only because of my children, but also because of the bat sherut herself. We speak very openly in our home about Sagi and about the loss. I wondered what it would be like for such a young girl to walk into that reality.”

Those concerns disappeared almost immediately.

“Within the first 15 minutes of arriving, Hadassah turned to my daughter Rona and asked, ‘Do you want to come with me to the park?’ I was in shock,” Rubinstein recalled. “From the moment our paths crossed, she made such a powerful impact on our lives. She came into our home like an angel from the sky.”

Today, Hadassah is simply part of the family.

Some days she picks the children up from school. On other days she arrives before they get home. She helps prepare dinner, tidies the house, plays football in the yard, accompanies the children to activities and gives Rubinstein the freedom to spend time with whichever child needs her most.

“It became a real team effort,” Rubinstein said. “She always comes with a smile and a willingness to help.”

Before long, Hadassah no longer felt like a volunteer.

“It happened very quickly,” Rubinstein said. “It was important to me that she felt comfortable eating with us and being part of the family.”

Rubinstein realized just how indispensable Hadassah had become when she traveled overseas.

“My family came to help,” she said. “But Hadassah was the steady presence in the house. She knew where the clothes were, what everyone needed and how everything worked. That gave me tremendous peace of mind.”

The early months were not without challenges. Rubinstein remembers apologizing after her young daughter, overwhelmed by grief, threw a violent tantrum in front of Hadassah.

“I told her, ‘I don’t feel comfortable that you have to deal with situations like this,’” Rubinstein recalled.

Hadassah’s answer has stayed with her ever since.

“‘That’s why I’m here.’”

Those words capture the essence of the program.

“There is something incredibly comforting about knowing you’re not on this journey alone,” Rubinstein said. “Whether it’s organizing a birthday party in the garden or simply making dinner together after work, there’s someone beside me.”

Then she summed up what Hadassah has given her family.

“She frees me from having to be in that constant state of alert.”

For Sarah Lebowitz, who first served as a bat sherut with OneFamily and now coordinates the program, those ordinary moments are exactly where healing begins.

One conversation from her own year of service has stayed with her.

“The widow told me, ‘This morning I managed to get up and get dressed,’” Lebowitz recalled.

“For most of us, getting dressed is something we never think about. For her, it was an achievement.”

That conversation changed the way she understood her role.

“As a bat sherut, you’re helping restore the routine the family needs,” she said. “Even on the mornings when the widow can’t get out of bed, the bat sherut still arrives. She picks up the children from school or waits for them at home with a hot meal. The family knows they can count on her.”

Now responsible for recruiting and guiding the next generation of volunteers, Lebowitz said many young women arrive believing their biggest challenge will be helping families through grief.

Instead, the first task is earning their trust.

“Every family is different,” she said. “They want you there and they need you, but you’re still someone new entering their home. Building that relationship takes time.”

She looks for young women with a particular combination of qualities.

“Humility is essential,” she said. “They need a genuine desire to give of themselves, but also initiative and emotional intelligence. They have to understand what this family needs, not what they think the family needs.”

The experience changes the volunteers as much as the families they serve.

“They develop inner strength. They gain perspective. Most importantly, they build relationships that often continue long after their national service ends.”

Those relationships are supported every step of the way.

Learning to be part of the family

Every two weeks, the volunteers meet in small groups with therapist Avigayil Webbo, who helps them process experiences few 18-year-olds would ordinarily encounter.

“The first challenge,” she said, “is finding your place in a family that already has its own rhythm.”

Unlike someone who visits occasionally, the bat sherut returns week after week, gradually becoming part of the household.

“There isn’t a handbook,” Webbo said. “Some families are happy for the bat sherut to take the children to the park. Others aren’t. Every family has its own norms, and the girls have to learn them.”

Just as important is helping the young women recognize their own emotions.

“They often tell themselves, ‘Compared to what this family has gone through, my feelings don’t matter,’” Webbo said. “But that’s not healthy. The family’s pain is one story, and the volunteer’s emotional experience is another.”

She reminds the girls that every interaction takes place against the backdrop of profound loss.

“A father was killed. That fact is present in every interaction inside the family,” she said. “A child may lash out in anger. A widow may be exhausted. The girls need to understand where those emotions come from, while also recognizing that it’s okay if they themselves feel hurt or overwhelmed.”

The group sessions help them realize those feelings are shared.

“So often one girl talks about something difficult, and suddenly everyone around the table says, ‘That happened to me too.’ They realize they aren’t carrying it alone.”

Over time, Webbo watches another transformation take place.

“They become part of the family,” she said. “After the children go to sleep, they sit and talk with the widow. They celebrate holidays together. It is incredibly moving to watch their hearts open.”

Asked what the volunteers have taught her, she paused.

“I think they tell the story of Am Yisrael [the Nation of Israel]” she said. “They simply show up and say, ‘Hineni. I’m here.’ They come with humility and compassion. At a memorial ceremony, they’re the ones looking after the youngest child. They don’t ask for recognition. They simply do what needs to be done.”

Saville sees that same spirit every year.

More than 400 young women apply annually for places in the program.

“You wouldn’t think this is the type of national service an 18-year-old dreams about,” he said. “People like to talk about the TikTok generation. That’s not what I see.”

The selection process is deliberately demanding.

“We look for resilience, perseverance, emotional intelligence and strong values,” Saville said. “These girls are entering very complex situations. As CEO, I have a responsibility not only to the bereaved families but also to return every bat sherut emotionally healthy to her own family at the end of her service.”

The moments that stay with him are rarely dramatic.

A widow agrees to go on her first date after losing her husband because she knows her children are safe with the bat sherut.

A mother rushes one child to the hospital while the volunteer stays home with the others.

A young woman travels across the country to accompany a bereaved family to a school ceremony because no one else can.

“Without that stability,” Saville said, “so many of these families simply couldn’t move forward.”

For Rubinstein, it is impossible to imagine her family’s life without Hadassah.

“I feel she has grown tremendously through this experience,” she said. “She’s become more mature and more resilient. She has the biggest heart and such a desire to keep learning and becoming a better person.”

But when Rubinstein speaks about what Hadassah has meant to her family, she returns to something much simpler.

“There is something so comforting about knowing you’re not alone,” she said. “At the end of the day, after work, someone is there with me. She helps with dinner. She’s there for the children.”

She paused before summing up what Hadassah has become.

“She’s simply … there.”

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